As I was scrolling through my social media accounts and trying to catch up on the latest news I couldn't help but notice the sudden urge to go and check profiles that I probably shouldn't check at all. You know that pricking burst of mixed emotions that make you feel like you're drowning and falling from a high cliff at same time? It's the type of feeling you get when you have 10 missed calls from mom, do something embarrassing or meet "that" someone from your not-so-perfect past. Yes, I'm talking about exs, all sorts of them. In 2003 you would've probably just awkwardly leave the situation, chit chat about it with your bffs and never remember it again but it's 2k16 outside (nearly 2017) and it just won't end as easy anymore. Finishing a relationship with someone posses a lot more stress than ever. Because we're kids of the internet.
Now, of course I'm not talking about situations when you still kinda remain friendly-ish although it can be complicated as well. Okay, but admit, most of us had had this one break-up which certainly left a mark in our life maybe because we actually had great times or maybe because we can't think about it without remembering all the pain, anger and other sorts of emotions that we had to go through during the post break-up period. When something like this happens you would want to forget and move on (sometime later may come the "appreciate the good things" but one will never know if such a blessing will reach his pour struggling soul) but Is it possible to eliminate your unwanted past from your present or do we just need to learn to live with it?
Modern society is all about connecting people from all around the world and making us feel like a big international family. Public figures have never been so close to us mundanes. Look at how many social media accounts we have - we have facebook, instagram, snapchat, tumblr, twitter, pinterest and many more. Yeah, it's great that we are able to get fresh news about literally anything no matter where we're at but when it comes to getting the news that we don't want to know about, how hard it is to avoid them?
When you commit to a decent relationship, it being romantic or just casual, you get to know not only the person you've chosen, their interests, their hobbies, their thoughts and preferences but also a lot of their friends and kinda general surroundings and of course you've got it all figured out and everyone's following everyone on any social platform possible because you're engaged in this relationship af and you gotta do the "thing" because it already feels like something as trivial as saying - "Hey". It's all cool until one of three things happens: 1. you see something that makes you jealous af and become a stalker and get obsessed, 2. you're not sure anymore if you can post some things because it can make the other person jealous, 3. your relationship ends terribly and you don't want that person in your life anymore. First two points are of course of great importance and deserve a whole separate talky-talk but tonight it's all about the last one.
As I said a few paragraphs earlier, some years ago it would be a stress but there were only few shitty situations that your damn life could put you in, like meeting them on the street or supermarket or at an event. Basically, only irl problems could occur, which is of course painful and awkward but you can't predict it, can you? Whereas nowadays it's a on the whole new level, let alone debating if you should delete your photos with them or not. Alright, first thing you do, is unfollow them everywhere you possibly can and maybe even block them, which is a lil overboard bur meh, you just want to never hear about them again, so you do you. Now, after some time, it starts to feel like you're finally all good to go and live a new life but oh no, girl, you're so wrong. Remember their cool friends you still hang out with, well guess what, they just posted something mentioning the "one who's name can never be mentioned again" or wait, that friend of theirs that you kinda never liked and never really talked to, well, that friend just liked you pic on instagram for no reason. And now you sit there lost trying to guess why they did it and mostly why do YOU care so much? Maybe, it's just me but I'm always freaking out a little bit when these sort of things happen. Then, comes "the event" which you were going to go to but then you accidentally saw that they were coming too and that now makes you unsure wether you still want to go there and if so, will you be able to really enjoy it? It won't be a random unexpected situation anymore because you know what you're going for which on the other side leaves you time to prepare yourself and be the greatest version of you. Good, now I'm going to talk about what probably bothers me the most and it's the sudden urge to go and check out their profiles. Like why would you do this, you know it's stupid and you know you won't just take a look at it and stay uninvolved, no, you will fucking remember all the things that happened, get very reminiscent of the good times, consider writing them, then hating them again and then entering the endless void of "I told you so" of rebuking yourself. Maybe it's just me, again, but I've noticed that no matter how many years have passed something always brings me back to them and this past tense and it happens way more often then it did when I wasn't so much involved in social networking.
This time you can't avoid that person and sometimes dream about what they're doing because it's all public and can go and see where, when, who and so on but is it a bad thing or an ultimately good thing? All in all it's just another point why we need to learn to live for ourselves, appreciate our past and stop caring about what others think about us.
I do understand that sometimes even a certain smell can take you back to that time, let alone all the dark conners of the internet but if after so many years you still feel like shit when this happens, you either need to talk to them one last time, create the most romantic and heartbreaking story of all times or just get your shit together and focus on you in this moment living minute by minute, day by day, year by year, improving and following your dreams.
Sincerely yours,
Ivana
<3 <3 <3
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